At the time of writing, the Anti-Nuisance League consists of around 5000 members. Members are like-minded, committed, and dynamic individuals who offer a variety of services and resources to achieve a common goal. We have members in every corner of the country and every sphere of society. Doctors, cops, truck drivers, pilots, lawyers – we are a highly organized, discreet network of people with an extremely low tolerance for transgressors of our code.
Our membership base is expanding rapidly.
An unsolicited ringing of the doorbell at a private residence or a place of business is deemed a violation. Religious interruptions account for the majority of offences.
A religious incident is referred to as a, ‘Code Fruitcake’ or a, ‘Code Hlaudi’.
A religious trespasser is referred to as a, ‘Tom Cruise’, as in – “an active Tom Cruise has been spotted in the area. A Code Hlaudi is in progress.”
In order to identify perpetrators, League members must familiarize themselves with typical ‘Code Hlaudi’ dialogue and scenarios.
“Hi, I’m Neville and I’d like to share some good news with you.”
Neville’s usually wearing comfy shoes and a chequered shirt. Sun hats and facial hair are other common accessories. Look for tell-tale iconography or symbols; the crucifix necklace, the WWJD bracelet, the vacant eyes.
Notice the doleful demeanour and the nervous but hopeful smile.
His dorsal fin however, will be the stack of pamphlets tucked under his arm.
At this point, League members must resist the temptation to hurl abuse.
In accordance with League protocol, the appropriate response is, “Yes…please come in and share.” Seem slightly distracted – mention the weather. An over-eager welcome could make the target wary and skittish.
In accordance with League protocol, once the target is inside and sufficiently at ease, offer tea on a cold day, fruit juice on a hot day. Avoid clear liquids.
After the sedative has been administered and ingested, using any phone or device linked to the League network, initiate the operation using the launch phrase, “Hello Mother? The fly is in the web”.
Trained operators will activate the relevant members.
Project status is now hot.
In accordance with League protocol, a transport vehicle will arrive at the location within 20 minutes of the initiation call. Expect a courier van or a car with tinted windows.
Use the 20-minute window to gag and hog-tie the unconscious Tom Cruise.
When placing the target in the collection vehicle, be sure to check for other Tom Cruise activity in the area. ‘Code Hlaudi’ offenders often work in groups.
In accordance with League protocol, a private plane will now be taxiing onto the runway of the closest airfield or small airport. Key personnel, ground staff and air controllers are either members or sympathizers of the League. Once the package has been stowed, the plane will depart.
The destination is left to the pilot’s discretion, but the League insists on a minimum 700 kilometre displacement radius.
The sedative provides a four-hour re-location window. On landing, league members will collect the package and courier it to the final drop-off point.
In accordance with League protocol, couriers must use high profile, high visibility destinations – Table Mountain cable car, Victoria Falls car park, uShaka Marine World, or similar.
Project status is now complete.
The Tom Cruise will awaken in the new location confused, bewildered, and without legal tender or any means of returning home.
In accordance with League protocol, an enveloped letter is to be stapled to the chest of all offenders. The letter will list their transgression and explain the remedial displacement action.
The letter also strongly discourages repeat offences and/or reporting of League activity to the authorities.
Similar warning letters are currently being mailed to selected politicians and public officials.
Over 400 League members are ex-military personnel, including many former snipers.
Another 300 members are licensed and active game hunters.
The League currently boasts over 70 members with garden services and landscaping businesses. They have access to thousands of acres of private gardens in suburbs across the country.
Customers of some of these garden services are often delighted at the quality of the flowers and plant beds that they produce. They wonder how they get their rose bushes to bloom with such rich colour and vibrancy.
I can explain how their roses look so good.
I know why.